CHAMPS!

We are the CHAMPIONS....of the world (that's BASEBALL, of course). For those who missed it...CHICAGO...CHAMPS! (that's WHITE SOX, of course). 88 years and now what? Repeat? Or... How about a CUB win? I'll go either way (that's baseball, OF COURSE!).

Settling....In

Four months into it...and there I am, on the right, flourishing under the sun. Do I look happy? Content? Healthy? Well, ask the babe on the left.
Part of settling in after nuptials is finding your space, settling in...to your homeland. Its been an interesting experience. Sometimes the land under your feet, around you, is too small to settle your feet. Other times, it feels like you can't miss the ground, no matter where you land. And, I have BIG feet. Wait a minute...Is that grass growing under my feet?

....the same...every month!

"SO...Have you heard about the new edition of PLAYBOY for married men?
It has the same centerfold every month"

Well...its been almost two months since the nuptials and already I've started with the married jokes. The shame!

It's Done!...I mean I'm DONE!

There I am, on the right, with my beautiful bride on the left, celebrating our union. It all came together on July 3. My "Camino Real" has ended, or is it just beginning. Thanks to all of you who have shared my journey and a special thanks to those of you who took the time to share with me on this BLOG! We look good, heh? Like a couple of puppets on a pedestal. Ready to bend at each others will. Is that right?

NOW, my journey continues. The next stage of this blog will be dedicated to the FIRST YEAR together, as man and wife. I'll be looking for advise on how to survive year one. I'll tell you what happens and how I deal with it. You tell me how wrong I am! DING...DING...DING... Time to kiss the bride.

P.S. Happy Birthday....Stud!

I'm back! - Thanks SBC (not)

Ok. So Murphy's Law says all things that can go wrong, WILL! How about this:
-Moved from one building to another, about 500 feet to a larger place (because...read the earlier post) and went without a phone for 1 week (thanks SBC, not) because their promise due date was off by 7 DAYS
-Ordered new DSL service and was promised a service date of 5/6. Got the new service, yesterday, 5/27, 21 DAYS off (thanks SBC, not). Why? Well because they attached the service to the old address, that no longer has phone service. It took 3 weeks to fit and 3 hours to connect. But I'm back.
-Ordered furniture that was delivered in pieces over a 2 week period (not SBC's fault, but hey why not!)
-Guess what, the furniture is too BIG! Got to be returned. Bought new furniture for an extra $1500. Will be delivered in 4 WEEKS. Just before the wedding. Wonderful.
-Moved my clothes into the walk-in closet. Hung them up on the cute wire-mesh set-up. Next day, clothes on the floor. Maintenance came and re-enforced the wires. Hung up the clothes. 2 days later, clothes on the floor. Call friend, contractor. Bolted the mesh onto the studs....Today....Still holding, but bending!
Have I told you that the fiancee is moving in today, and their is not a lot of closet space left. She has 3 closets in the old place, one just for shoes.
Thanks, SBC...at least now I can bitch about to....!

Furniture...Do we need it?

It's down to 91 days (please read the earlier post to figure it out) and now the BIG decisions. Furniture! How are (we) going to decorate the new dig? What colors? Fabrics? Room arrangements? HEADACHE. What can a man who has been living out of cardboard dressers, a futon and big TV say about furniture? To me, one word, COMFORT. To her, one word, ITS WHAT I WANT! So the struggles begin. I like everything she hates and, well, you can figure out the rest. So on we go from one store to the next. I look west, she looks east. I like black, she, red. Does anyone have an answer? I know that compromise is the answer, but what can be reached from a cardboard man and a fashion princess?
If I follow Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's advise:
"I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose."
I guess its going to be RED!

Not tonight, Sweetie. I'm the one with a headache.

Men's libido are on the decline. Woman are noticing. Or at least I've finally found someome who agrees with me. When your in a committed relationship (as I am, and getting more committed by the day) there is always a decline in the number of times you bellow into the open air with a discharge of relief (get it!). I mean, you start at twice a day for months, to twice a week, then dwindle down to a comfortable pace. As comfortable as the relationship gets content. Woman have usually been blamed for the decline. But it seems that more men are the ones going to sleep first. Does that mean there is no more desire? Or are we (those headed towards the altar) feeling strangled and looking for an out? Or are we (Men) maturing and realizing the consequences of judging our self-worth by the number of times and the number of panties we can throw on the floor?
A recent article in Gentlemens Quarterly (Feb. 2005), points out that men (that is, some, matured) are no longer obsessed with conquest or running up the number of times they pop (although you should be maintaining your annual average of at least 111 times. P.S I'm ahead of schedule). It seems many are TIRED of SEX. I can relate. That is, to the idea that a great relationship maintains many other areas of life, including sex. When I was thirteen, it was all about sex. At 21, I would spend everything, listen to anything, and almost do anything for it. Now, I get. (in all ways). With the advent of pills, ads, and even the Internet, we are made to feel small. We either conquer for our worth, or be left to surfing for the unattainable. (Special notice to all those TV ads. Yeah, I'm not whole without your pill.)
So ladies, If your man seems like he is slowing down or losing interest, be sensitive to what's happening in his world. He's got a job, bills, and a mother-in-law. And, maybe he's just falling in love (with you). As for me, well, I'm looking to be the dog who gets fed, get's to lay down and hopefully get rubbed, often. Here kitty, kitty.

The Ring

HeRing
Originally uploaded by AGPhotos.

So there it is...Ladies and Gentlemen...THE RING!
I have made the latest journey towards my "real road" and now continue towards 'El Camino Real'. It's for real now. I tried on several thousands (or was it just two or three) and for some reason couldn't find one that fit. Every time I tried one on, my hand would shake violently and wouldn't stop until I took it off. I was told by my fiancee and her newly acquired ally (the salesman) that this condition was psychosomatic and would subside...once I paid for the ring. Alas, they were correct and I now keep it in its box until the day its place on its permanent perch, the hand held steadily by my wife.

Pals

Can a marriage ever turn out two people who can give each other unconditional love and trust like...lets say... a man and his dog? I wonder. After spending the last week 'discussing':'debating' with my fiancee (OK MEL?) about how we each envision our wedding plans should be executed, I find myself looking for a partner who just wags its tail and licks my face. Or maybe I'll be the one to wag. I guess not being able to verbally communicate your thoughts and ideas can lead to some confusion and frustration. I now know how dogs feel about some humans. BUT, as Margaret Gatty once said; "The days are too short even for love; how can there be enough time for quarreling?"

"Micropatronage" ME!

So let me get this straight, there are guys/gals out there who actually start a blog site and then get you readers to help support them by making $donations$ to their cause (huh?). That right folks. I just read an on-line article in Wired News, 'Ouit you job to blog, blog, blog', that outlines how a few entrepreneurs are living their journalistic dreams while asking for your 'micropatronage" (aka CASH). Sweet!

With that in mind, I would like to submit this blog as a preview of a great journey towards the road to marriage, and ask for your 'micropatronage'. OK! Hey, I've got a wedding to pay for and I'm down to 131 days and counting. So those of you who have a penchant for reading great works and contributing to the continuation of such works by said author, please respond to this posting with your contact information. I will advise you where to send the cash. YES? My fiance and I thank you in advance for your generosity. Its money well spent (and may possibility be tax-deductible).

I'm going to pay homage to one of the bold entrepreneurs who quit his job to do just what I described above. I'm not going to send him money, but I hope someone tells him that I linked him at my site so that he can "Micropatronage" ME!

Men's Lessons

First of all; to all those woman who didn't get this on Monday- HAPPY VALENTINES! This message was bought to you by all the Hallmark, Candy and Florist stores in America. OK?

Now, Men; these messages are bought to you by our friends at Men's Health magazine.
-Why are you always horny? Blame the 'Y' chromosome. Lots of great testosterone and a really large...hypothalamus.
-Why a man should NOT marry before age 25? Your brain (PFC) is still incomplete. And maybe so are other parts of you.
-Why do we like Porn? Blame the amygdala. Our eyes keep telling us the chick on the screen wants us.
-Why do we (sometimes, but really rarely) lose our erection? Performance anxiety. Or she really is ugly.
-Why are we the ones who usually get dumped? Woman see the 'bigger picture' faster. Or he really is ugly.
-Why do our eyes wander? Blame vasopressin, a hormone that regulates sex impluses. Women, if you don't want his eye to view the artwork, keep him out of the museum.
-Why does she scream 'Oh God' during an orgasm? It's not about you. The region of the brain responsible for orgasms is called the 'God' area. She's having a spiritual experience.
-Why does size matter? Because she says it does. And you believe her, idiot. (Average male erection measures 6 inches)

So next year, for Valentines, forget the gifts. Teach her a lesson. Just love her.

Getting "Hitch"ed

OK, So I'm one of the first to see and now post about the new Will Smith movie, HITCH. As for my Ebert review, I give it a three (3) thumbs up! It was funny, sensitive, romantic and cynical all rolled up into a Valentine date movie. Gentleman, big mistake. Not a first (or second, third) date movie. It's more for the lonely hearts or the 'already too late to change' couples. Its starts with the typical stereotype male branding, male ineptitude, and male bashing, followed by enlightenment, then cinderella shoe fitting, eventually erupting into the truth about finding your soulmate. :::SPOILER WARNING::: What is the answer? BE YOURSELF! Forget the advise from friends, relatives, therapists, and talking animals. Just follow your foolish heart. Take the plunge!
As for first dates, guys, if you take her to see this movie, your screwed. You will not be able to replicate anything you learned from the movie on her. She'll know where you got it from. You will be left with having to come up with an ORIGINAL idea. And, as we learned from the heroines of this movie, an original idea will only get you "Hitch"ed.

My thoughts!

So I was laying in bed the other day, drained, thinking about how I have 144 days left (for what? read my earlier post, please). My thoughts centered around the planning, cost and eventual execution of that big day. Man, do I feel like digging a hole and hiding in it. Guess it's too late for that, huh? Ever get that empty feeling inside? You know, like what's going to be left over is just...well you know.

Play....and then....Pay

Play....and then....Pay
Posted by: agphotos.

$5Million, Mike. Well at least it's not an additional exemption on your W4. Your rich, famous, married, and still you jumped over the fence. Didn't anyone tell you....there just 'More Grass'. Why do people cheat? What's so alluring about the forbidden fruit? Men will say that they do it because.....! Woman say they don't do it as often as those lying, cheating, &^%$*# men. So I guess it must lie within ourselves. Being rich, famous, etc. seems better suited for singles. I'm not rich, famous (am handsome!), so I should get married. As for the other side of the fence, I'm buying a mower.

FREE PORN; PORN; TATERS

So I was wondering how to increase my blog traffic and decided to research other successful blogs and mimic their traffic strategies. I'm down to 154 days (?-Read my first posting) before the 'march' and my married or soon to be married internet confidants have not provide many comments or suggestions about my impending destiny (aside from 'Anonymously' and 'Life Reinvented' who were both gracious enough to comment once, but not intrigued enough to come back for more abuse!). I guess my content is not fresh enough to draw in readers who have a compelling reason to want to respond.

Ssoooooo... "Free Porn"; "Porn"; Taters.
It seems a columnist from PC Magazine recently wrote a follow-up piece to his earlier web-based article, title 'Free Porn', which he wrote two year ago. That earlier article, to this day, still ranks among the highest viewed pieces on the PC Magazine web site. His conclusion was that in order to increase traffic/readership on the net, you need to add the word 'porn' to the subject/title matter. HUH? PORN; PORN; PORN; PORN; PORN, PORN. There, that should do it.

There is an on-going discussion on the validity of this matter, but all I can say is "FREE PORN". I've got a photoblog, AGPHOTOS where I post some of my creative pieces, and have found that any picture posted with buzz words like; 'girls', 'nude', 'hot' and other associated descriptions, gets viewed thousands of times more than those that say 'cat'. So, with that in mind, I'll say "FREE PORN". It's not sexy, dirty, or nasty, but, it is 'FREE'.

"One vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart."

So were the words that actor Vince Vaughn bellowed out to impending bridgegroom Will Ferrell in the hilarious movie OLD SCHOOL. I was talking with my friend, David Zinczenko, who is the exceptional editor for Men's Health magazine, about this. Well, really, he's not my friend. He doesn't even know who I am. I dutifully read his column every month and find myself engaged in great philosophical conversation with him about the fascinating topics he starts every MH issue with. Not knowing much about him, his columns and related photo inserts, protray him as the man of the 21th Century; bright, articulate, handsome, funny, honest, and holding down what's got to be one of the best jobs available. I can say this because...well...its takes one to know one!

Gentlemen, if you are between the ages of 21 to 101, you should, no, you must be reading MH. I guarantee you'll live longer, be wiser, and get laid more often than bedsheets. (no, I do not have any affiliation with MH nor David).

So David tells me that when Men fall in Love with Woman, the deck is stacked, against men. Why? Because we're tied to the biology of the relationship, while woman who fall in love use their heads and think rationally about it. Well, there it is, guys. No long term thought process, no rationalization of your actions, and no attention to details will land you at the jewerly store asking; "Do you like this one, dear?"

But, there is hope. According to recent research, more men are just using their left brains and moving forward with commitments. It seems we are more apt to co-mingle with others than mingle alone. I guess my trip down El Camino Real is predestined. My chromosomes say so. Its just a matter of finding that right woman. Or is H.L. Mencken correct when he says:
"Love is the delusion that one woman is different from another."

Landing

Like Bees to Pollen.
That's how I see the progression of MAN-towards-WOMAN. We all wonder why and how we have this invariable drive in the direction of other sexes, only to find ourselves dummied down to the bare essence of what this simple photograph expresses. We do because we can, and because we have to. Because its like bees to...

"Quickie" Divorces

So I'm sitting here watching an old re-run of a LAW & ORDER (Rest in Peace, Jerry) episode about a not-so-famous any more entertainer, who, while out to dinner at a restaurant with his young wife, leaves to go back to the restaurant, only to return and find his wife dead, shot in the head. He runs back to the restaurant, distraught, screaming that 'someone' shot his wife.

I don't know why it seems I've heard this before. I keep thinking about how art sometimes imitates life. Or is it the reverse? Anyway, what really came to mind was; hey, this sure is a way to get a quickie divorce. How terrible is your marriage or your thought process when you consider the only way out of a marriage is to put your beloved one in a body bag. There has to be better ways to 'execute' a quickie divorce without shooting her in the head. You could
- move to a foreign country and hope she forgets about you
- seduce her sister/best friend
- introduce her to your new 'male' lover
- constantly remind her that "she DOES look fat" or "that dress DOES make her look fat"
All other suggestion/comments are welcomed.

I'm getting married in 167 days (to my young beauty). I know that I'll never get to the point where I'm sizing up zippered bags. I think if I ever get to that point, I'll grab a gun; AND SHOOT THE PARROT!

PS - The distraught husband did it. He's been claiming his innocence since this episode aired. He claims the real killer is still out there and that he is next on the killer's list. He's been put on suicide watch!

Prepare Well....or die a quick death.

So thought the St. Louis Rams. Prepare well...or die quickly, as they did. Blowout! Why the sport analogy? Well, I was thinking about how sport teams prepare for the big game (day). Kind'da like someone preparing for their 'big' day (get it? If not, read the first threads of this blog). You spent a long time (in their case 16+ games, in mine, 17520 days) practicing, planning, working hard to figure out how to 'win'. Then you go in, confident, secure that you have the plan that will win, only to fall flat on your face. A quick and painful defeat. You lose your confidence, feeling insecure about not only what you worked for, but how, if ever, will you recover enough to want to try again. For some, the pain can last a lifetime.

However, for others, it's like riding a horse. If it throws you, you get up and try again. You come to terms with it and work out an amicable agreement that suits both sides. The horse agrees to take you around on its back, you agree to treat it respectfully, and both of you get to enjoy the pleasures of roaming the countryside, together. A pact.

How can people make pacts that work? How do you prepare for that? What does it take to make it last so that it doesn't seem like you're just riding alone?

"I will prepare and some day my chance will come." --Abe Lincoln. I guess I'm starting to prepare. My chance is coming.

171 Days and already 'Blogger's Block'

I started this blog with many ideas on what I wanted to say. The ideas were flying around in my head so fast and so funny, that I thought about getting a tape recorder in order to get them down before they explode in my head. Now, two weeks later, I have my first bout with 'blogger's block' (figure it out). I'm sure all great writer battle this syndrome at one time or another in their career. I'm just not sure it's suppose to happen after just 2 weeks! I wonder how Ernie handled it (not the Sesame Street one). I also wonder if this was the reason Dave Barry retired (the Miami Herald one). I imagine that the best way to treat this is to start from the beginning.

El Camino Real starts (don't forget to read the first threads of this fascinating blog) the story of one man's journey to find the perfect path to a perfect beginning. A marriage. What that man needs now is some inspiring direction from all of you who have taken 'the real road' or wonder how to get on it! I know I'm on the right path, just not sure what I am doing. I'll leave you with a quote from French movie director Robert Bresson: "When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best -- that is inspiration."